


Defy the Stars

by boneswrites



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Federation Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, Jim needs a hug, M/M, Major Character Injury, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 15:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6334756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Believing that his husband, Leonard McCoy, had died in a shuttle crash on his way to offer medical assistance to the people of a Federation planet under attack, Jim Kirk resigns from Starfleet, giving up his stripes and his ship, and heads home, to Iowa, alone and broken, with nothing but the overwhelming guilt alive inside him. Space nothing but his now haunted memories.</p><p>Little does he know that he is in for the surprise of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My second McKirk story has arrived! This turned into a monster, and was originally supposed to be a one shot, but I divided it into three chapters instead. My Star Trek/McKirk feels are really high these days. I hope you enjoy this and feedback is always greatly appreciated!

It wasn't supposed to happen that way. The stars weren't supposed to break and crush Jim into a million pieces and scatter him across the fucking galaxy, with no hope of ever being put back together again.

Because his husband, the love of his life, Doctor Leonard McCoy, his Bones, is dead.

It was supposed to be him they would eventually have a funeral for, not Leonard.

They gave him a Federation flag and he saluted the empty coffin, doing the best he could to keep the burning tears from falling.

Next thing he knew, Jim was on his way home, to Iowa, Starfleet, and the infinite realms of space left behind, a mere distant memory.

He would never leave Earth again.

*****

Jim groaned, turning away from the warm body next to him and rubbed his closed eyes in the darkness.

“Wha’? Bones?” Jim mumbled.

Leonard’s comm had gone off, waking them both. The doctor was already sitting up, listening closely.

When Leonard didn’t reply, Jim forced his eyelids open and sat up, squinting in darkness passed the fog of blur across his vision.

“Damn it,” Leonard huffed, pushing the covers off his body and dangled his feet over the side of the bed.

Jim reached out, placing his hand on Leonard’s now tense shoulder. “Bones, what is it?”

“That was M’Benga, they need me in the Med Bay, it’s an emergency.”

“Computer, what time is it?”

“Five thirty seven, Beta shift,” the automated female voice replied.

“Go back to sleep, Jim. Alpha shift isn’t for another three hours, I’ll see you later, darlin’,” Leonard turned his body and pressed his lips softly against Jim’s in a quick kiss. “Computer, lights at thirty percent.”

The lights came on just as Jim lied back. Leonard got up and walked into the bathroom to get ready. Jim fell asleep to the sound of the running tap water.

Leonard emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, and saw Jim curled up on his side of the bed, clutching Leonard’s pillow tightly. A small smile spread on the doctor’s lips as he walked around the bed, pulling the discarded covers over Jim’s body. He leaned down and brushed his lips against Jim’s forehead, hearing the other man hum involuntarily.

Leonard grabbed his PADD and walked out of their quarters—they had taken down Leonard’s quarters and expanded Jim’s once they got married—and heard the door hiss shut behind him. He quickly made his way down to his Med Bay, wondering which idiot on this flying tin did something stupid. Jim has been imprinting on his entire crew, and it annoyed the life out of Leonard.

He walked into Med Bay and saw M’Benga and Nurse Christine Chapel getting the equipment ready while they wait for their patient.

“Morning, Len,” M’Benga looked up.

“Morning,” Leonard nodded, switching on his PADD. “Do we know what happened?”

“No, doctor,” Chapel shook her head. “We couldn’t hear them properly, there was a lot of commotion but it happened in Engineering.”

“Ah, of course it did,” Leonard sighed.

Two minutes later, the Med Bay doors slid open a group of red shirts rushed in, carrying a young Ensign on a gurney, blood dripping down his neck.

Leonard and M’Benga switched to doctor mode immediately, guiding the gurney towards the nearest biobed.

“Move him on three,” M’Benga said. “One, two, three.”

“Hang some blood and get a line running,” Leonard ordered and Chapel nodded. Leonard shone a penlight into the Ensign’s eyes, his pupils responding but sluggish. “How’re you doin’, kid?”

“C—Cold.”

“That’s the blood loss, we’re taking care of that right now. What happened?” Leonard looked up at the men who brought him in.

“One of the pressure boxes kind of just exploded and pieces of plastic landed in his neck.”

“Did you pull anything out?”

“No, doctor, we applied pressure and wrapped it in the bandage.”

Leonard nodded. “What’s his name?”

“Mark.”

“Mark, you with me?” Leonard turned back to his patient. “We’re gonna take off the bandage now, okay?” When Mark nodded, Leonard extended his hand to Chapel. “Scissors.” He began cutting each side of the bloodied bandage with a hand resting against where he assumed was the wound. He peeled off the bandage and was greeted with a gush of blood, which now decorated his blue tunic. “Fuck!” He quickly pushed his hand into the gaping neck, trying his best to keep the bleeding under control. “I need more hands!”

It wasn’t until he was halfway into Alpha shift when Jim realized that he hadn’t seen or heard from his husband since he was commed awake. He asked the bridge crew, but beyond their knowledge of the accident that took place, no one had seen or heard from Leonard.

“Spock, you have the conn,” Jim announced, getting out of the Captain’s chair. “I’m going to drop by Med Bay, see how things are going.”

“Yes, Captain,” Spock nodded, watching Jim get on the turbo lift.

Jim strode quickly through the hallway leading to Med Bay. It was quiet, too quite and he felt something twist at the bottom of his gut. He stepped into the bay, the first thing he noticed being the countless red bandages and surgical pads lying on the ground, with pools of blood all around the white floor.

“Bones?” Jim called out, looking around for the older man and spotted him through the clear window, sitting in his office with his face in his hands. He took a few steps through the messy area and entered the office. “Bones.”

Leonard sucked in a deep breath and lifted his head to look at Jim, his eyes tired, black bags hanging over his cheeks and his face paler than usual. He looked ten years older than he did hours ago.

“What the hell happened? No one told me it was this bad,” Jim kneeled in front of Leonard.

“Freak accident, it went to hell so quickly, Jim,” Leonard sighed. “One moment he was talking to me and the next—” he stopped short, looking down at his own clothing, dried blood shinning alarmingly against the blue.

“Is he…” Jim’s eyes trailed to the recovery ward, fearing he’d have to call the young man’s family and tell them…

“He’s alive, he’s critical but he’s stable.”

Jim allowed himself to relax a bit, exhaling a breath he didn’t know he was keeping in. “Are you okay?” He extended his hand, placing it gently on Leonard’s shoulder.

“Damn it, he’s just a kid,” Leonard’s voice shook, his thumb traveled to his wedding finger, rolling the blood stained band left and right.

Jim took notice of the gestured and got to his feet, getting the doctor up with him. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

Leonard didn’t argue and that increased Jim’s worry. He wasn’t met by vulgar curses and a heavy tongue, no, Leonard let himself be pulled away and silently led until they reached their quarters. Jim punched in his code and waited for the door to open.

Once inside, Jim guided Leonard towards the bathroom and turned on the water, giving it enough time to be just the right temperature they needed. He turned to face the doctor and began peeling off the medical uniform from Leonard’s firm body. As soon as both their clothes were in a mixed pile on the ground, Jim helped Leonard stand under the spray of water and watched as the older man closed his eyes.

“You’re off duty till next shift,” Jim whispered against Leonard’s back.

“Jim…” Leonard’s voice was barely heard over the sound of the running water.

“I’m off, too. I’m the Captain, remember? I’ll let Spock know and he can tell M’Benga.” Jim reached around Leonard’s waist and took his husband’s hand and began to tenderly rub the wedding ring clean, getting rid of the hardened blood coating it. “You’re okay, Bones, everything’s okay,” Jim murmured.

Leonard swallowed and leaned back into Jim’s body, allowing the younger man to take care of him.

“That’s it, that’s it, let me take care of you,” Jim encouraged when he felt Leonard’s weight against him. He made sure he was supporting Leonard’s body with his hand as he grabbed the shampoo bottle and poured some into his palm, going up to Leonard’s black hair and took his time to massage his scalp, knowing it was one of the best ways to relax his husband.

“Love you, Jim,” Leonard whispered.

“Love you, too, Bones,” Jim pressed a kiss to the back of Leonard’s neck.

Both men were lying on the couch in front of the television, Leonard’s head resting against Jim’s chest and his arm draped around the captain’s waist with his eyes closed.

“How are you feeling, Bones?”

“Tired.”

“You’ll be as good as new tomorrow,” Jim promised.

Leonard sighed. “Can you check my comm?”

“Sure,” Jim reached over and grabbed Leonard’s comm, flipping it open to find no new messages. “Nothing. Don’t worry, Bones, whatever it is, they can handle it. You have a great medical team.”

“It just doesn’t seem fair.”

“You saved his life, Bones, you did that. So I would say it’s pretty damn fair.”

Leonard responded by nuzzling his face into Jim’s warm neck and felt Jim tighten his grip around his shoulder. “This ship is lucky to have you as her CMO, Bones.”

“Is the ship the only one who’s lucky?”

“Of course not, you’re lucky you have a wonderful husband, too,” Jim teased.

“Fucking smartass, if only your ego wasn’t as big as your mouth,” Leonard grumbled.

“I do have a pretty big mouth,” Jim nodded, earning himself nudge in his stomach. “And I’m the luckiest of all because I have you, Bones.”

“Nice save, you idiot.”

“I’m right though.”

“Yeah, you are,” Leonard sighed.

“Get some rest,” Jim kissed his husband’s forehead.

*****

It started out as normal as a day in infinite space can be. No freak accidents, no one startled awake hours before shift starts, everyone remaining in one piece. Leonard dared to hope the rest of the day would be just as quiet and uneventful. Of course, being _the_ Starfleet ship, they received a distress signal from the planet Bajor in the Alpha Quadrant of space halfway through their shift. The planet had just joined the Federation a few months earlier after years of failed attempts.

“What’s the situation, Spock?” Jim walked onto the bridge, Leonard right behind him.

“We received the signal approximately eight minutes ago. The signal was weak and we could barely understand what they were saying. However, they informed us that they are currently under attack by the Cardassian Union. This would not be the first time the Union has attacked.”

“Well, it’s the first time since Bajor joined the Federation. Sulu, plot a course line to the Alpha Quadrant and prepare to engage immediately.”

“Yes, sir.”

“How long until we get there?”

“Coming up right now, sir,” Sulu replied. “Twenty two minutes.”

Jim nodded and turned to face Bones. “I want you to get to Med Bay and get ready to take on patients, there’s no telling how many will need help. Better safe than sorry,” he placed his hand on Leonard’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. “I’ll comm you when we’re almost there.”

“Alright,” Leonard nodded. _So much for a quiet and uneventful day_ , he thought.

Twenty minutes later, Leonard returned to the bridge after getting a comm from Jim.

“Doctor McCoy, we just received word that the people of Bajor are in need of medical assistance, and they are too many to bring on board the ship,” Spock announced.

“So you’re suggesting I go down instead.”

“Affirmative, doctor,” Spock nodded.

Leonard sighed. “Very well then.”

“Bones,” Jim approached Leonard. “You’re the CMO, you can’t go down there.”

“I have to, Jim, because of that very reason,” Leonard nodded.

“You hate shuttles.”

“I’ll think of you,” Leonard gave Jim a small smile.

“I’ll go down with you,” Jim offered. “I’m always the one to go on away missions.”

“This isn’t an away mission, Jim. They don’t need you down there, they need me. You’re needed on the ship, and it’s too dangerous down there.”

“Damn it, Bones, then you shouldn’t be going down there either!”

“Listen to me,” Leonard pulled Jim to the side. “I will be fine, I’ll be alright. We can’t abandon those people, they need our help. I have a job to do, and I intend on doing it and before you say it’s your job to come with me, I’ll tell you that your job is right here. You be the Captain and I’ll be the doctor.”

Jim sighed and wrapped his arms around Leonard’s muscular body, holding him close. “You better come back, Bones.”

“I promise,” Leonard’s hand went up to cradle the back of Jim’s neck, moving swiftly through the short blond hair.

“Gather your team,” Jim pulled back.

Leonard nodded.

“I love you, Bones.”

“I love you too, kid.”

Soon enough, Leonard was making his way towards the shuttle bay, a group of his medical team behind him and Jim walking steadily next to him. Leonard had told M’Benga and Chapel to stay on the Enterprise, needing medical officers on board just in case. He stepped to the side when they reached the shuttle, letting the team get on and turned to face Jim.

“Is this what it feels like when I’m the one going away?” Jim whispered, his hand going up to hold onto Leonard’s uniform.

“Feels worse, probably. You’re always diving in head first and it drives me crazy.” Leonard had meant for it to be a joke, but it came out more emotional than he had intended.

“You come back to me and I promise to dial down the stupid,” Jim cracked a small smile.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, kid.”

Jim wrapped a hand around the back of Leonard’s neck and closed the gap between them, connecting their lips in a gentle, passionate kiss.

“It’s gonna be fine, darlin’.”

“I’ll be monitoring your shuttle, I’ll talk to you if I can.”

“Sounds good,” Leonard nodded. “Time to go save some lives.”

“Go be my hero,” Jim smiled and forced himself to tear away from Leonard’s body and watched as he got onto the shuttle and the metal door sliding shut.

Jim couldn’t control the hammering against his chest.

As soon as the shuttle began moving, Jim practically ran back to the bridge and managed to open a channel connecting to Leonard.

On the shuttle, they gave Leonard a pair of headphones with a mic, keeping his conversation with Jim as private as it can be.

“Bones, you there?” Jim asked.

“Yeah, Jim, I’m here,” Bones replied, his voice echoing on the bridge.

“How are you doing? Feeling alright?”

“Aside from the feeling that my heart is about to explode, I’m peachy.”

Jim chuckled. “Just keep talking to me, you’ll get there in no time.”

“I’m trying not to think about getting there, damn it.”

Before Jim could reply, something that sounded a whole lot like an explosion rang through their open line. Jim immediately sat up, his eyes going wide.

“Jim, what the hell was that!” Leonard’s frantic voice came on.

“Calm down, Bones, I’m sure it’s nothing,” Jim tried to keep his voice steady but glared at Sulu, demanding to know what that was because it wasn’t normal.

“Jim, alarms are going off, what’s happening!” Leonard was now panting heavily.

Jim was on his feet in a second and standing near Sulu, who was quickly trying to understand what was going on with the shuttle. Sulu shook his head at Jim.

Jim closed his eyes, and took in a deep breath. “We don’t know what’s going on, Bones, but it’s going to be fine. Just follow the instructions, okay?”

“Jim—im, I can’t—Ji—ou there?” Leonard’s voice cut through.

“Bones! I can’t—Bones, can you hear me? Bones!” Jim couldn’t hear his own voice over the pounding of his heart.

“I can’t—voice—connect—bad. Jim!”

And then nothing. The deafening silence stretched to every corner of the bridge. And then an alarm blinked on the screen cause Jim’s breath to stop short in his throat.

**No life forms detected.**

“Mr. Sulu, can you bring them back?” Jim asked through clenched teeth.

“There’s nothing I can do, sir,” Sulu wouldn’t dare face Jim.

“What was that explosion?” Jim demanded, his eyes unblinking.

“It sounded like an engine failed. Something in the atmosphere could have compromised it, sir.”

Jim closed his eyes, a salty tear rolling down his pale face. He tried to steady his breathing, but failed. He knew what the alarm meant, he knew what the silence meant, he knew what it all meant. Leonard is dead. Jim began to blame himself that he wasn’t on that shuttle, he was supposed to be the one going down there, not his husband. Jim would never keep his last promise to Leonard.

Jim straightened his back and swallowed thickly, turning around but not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Mr. Spock, you have the conn,” was all Jim said before he rapidly moved towards the turbo lift, barely seeing the tears staining Uhura’s face.

Jim didn’t have a single clue as to how he made it back to his and Leonard’s quarters. He didn’t remember giving his brain any orders, his legs just carried him there. He didn’t bump into any of his crew along the way, he wouldn’t have batted an eye even if he had. He automatically entered his code and the door opened, he robotically stepped in and froze in his place.

Leonard’s standard blue uniform was in a pile on the floor. The doctor had changed into his official uniform in record time, not wanting to waste a single moment that could be used to save someone’s life.

Jim stared at the clothes for a few moments and finally bent down, taking the shirt into his tight grip. He could smell the scent of Leonard clinging to the fabric.

His knees about to give out on him, Jim walked over to their bed and fell backwards, still clutching the shirt and gazing into the void ahead, trying to comprehend what had happened.

He didn’t know how much time had passed when the buzz ringing through his quarters brought him back.

“Jim, it’s me, it’s Uhura. You don’t need to let me in just—I just want to make sure you’re—” he heard the female’s voice on the other side of the door.

Jim pushed himself up and walked over, opening the door and stepping backwards, giving her room to walk in. She quickly did and watched as the broken captain sat down on the couch. Neither said anything for a long time. There was nothing to be said.

“What—what just happened?” Jim’s head snapped up.

“Jim…”

“I don’t—I don’t understand. He’s…he’s just gone? That fast? I’m—I’m never seeing Bones again?” Jim’s voice cracked.

Feeling her eyes water and not knowing what to say, Nyota sat next to Jim instead and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Jim,” she whispered.

Jim shook his head violently. “It wasn’t supposed to be him, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” he squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears fall freely. “I miss him already.”

Nyota gently nudged Jim’s body against her and tightened her grip when his face landed in the crook of her neck. She held him as her own tears ran loose.

Jim’s body wrecked with the force of his hiccupping sobs as they tore through his lungs and shattered his soul.

“No, no,” Jim suddenly pulled away from Nyota’s hold. “He’s not gone, he can’t be, he’s Bones, he wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t leave me. He’s not gone, he’ll be back, he promised and he always keeps his promises. It’s one of the million things I love about him, he’ll be back.”

Nyota didn’t reply, she just looked at Jim, her eyes saying everything that needs to be said.

Deep down, Jim knew that Leonard was never coming back. He was gone.

He slept on Leonard’s side of the bed that night, and every night until they returned to Earth. No one bothered him, he wouldn’t leave his quarters, Spock or Nyota would drop by at the beginning and end of every shift to check in on him. In the rare occasion that he did step out of his quarters, he would completely avoid the Med Bay area and anywhere that would lead to it. Simply walking through the bright hallways reminded him of Leonard, his heart would clench up in his chest when he senses that he’s going to see his husband around the corner but his heart would sink when he’d notice it was just another blue shirt. He had no idea how he could stand being in his living area, seeing Leonard’s clothes scattered everywhere, his medical books in a lazy stack on his desk, his razor in the bathroom. It didn’t make sense to Jim, it didn’t make sense that they’d never be used again. His breath caught in his stomach when he saw the very familiar picture sitting on Leonard’s nightstand. It was their favorite picture from their wedding. Their foreheads were connected, Leonard’s hands rested on Jim’s hips, holding him close. Jim’s arms hung loosely on Leonard’s shoulders, and they both wore a small, genuine smile. Jim’s eyes were closed but Leonard’s were open, looking at his husband with so much admiration and love and promise. It banged roughly against Jim’s heart in his chest, knowing that no one will ever look at him like that again. He reached out for the frame and ran his fingers over Leonard’s image, feeling hollow and so incredibly alone.

“I’m so sorry, Bones,” Jim whispered, letting a tear roll down his cheek and splash on the memory.

The only time he forced himself to go to Med Bay is when he received a comm from M’Benga, telling him that Mark, the ensign that Leonard had treated, had woken up. As Captain, and to fulfill his duty, Jim made a short trip to check in on the young man.

The first thing he noticed when he stepped into the medical area was the Leonard’s office was dimmed and has been sealed off. He never ordered that, and quite frankly, he hadn’t given it much thought. His eyes remained on the dark room for a few moments, his last moments with Leonard spent in there rushing back to him.. M’Benga’s voice tore him away.

“Captain?”

Jim’s face snapped towards the doctor, the new CMO.

“If you’d follow me,” M’Benga nodded and led the way into the recovery ward. If he noticed Jim staring at Leonard’s office, he didn’t comment.

“How are you doing, Mark?” Jim tried putting on a small, but it never reached his eyes.

“A little groggy but I’m fine, better than before. Thank you, Captain.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Doctor M’Benga will have you up and walking in no time,” Jim nodded and turned to leave, but the young man’s voice stopped him.

“Captain? Would you happen to know where Doctor McCoy is? I haven’t seen him and I’d very much like to thank him for everything. He saved my life.”

Jim closed his eyes to conceal the fresh tears and sucked in a steady breath. This is what he didn’t want to hear. He gave M’Benga a quick look to the side, and after the doctor gave him a small nod, he bolted. He could hear M’Benga clear his throat and begin to speak, but he couldn’t hear the words. He knew he wasn’t acting like a captain, but somewhere during that small conversation, he was no longer the captain who lost his CMO, he was a husband who lost the love of his life.

*****

“McCoy? Leonard?”

The doctor heard a distant voice calling to him, feeling his ears were plugged by water. He squeezed his already closed eyes before slowly opening them, his vision turned sideways. He was confused for a moment, until he remembered he was struck with something earlier, sending toppling him over. He groaned and attempted to sit up, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Easy, take it easy, Len,” the voice called out.

Eventually, Leonard was sitting up straight, his head buzzing with a killer headache. He turned his face and saw Philip Boyce, one of his medical officers kneeling next to him.

“You alright?”

“Yeah,” Leonard rasped, his hand going up to the side of his face, feeling sticky blood on his skin. “What the hell happened?”

“They were, uh, demonstrating their willingness to hurt, all that ‘we’ll do anything to get what we want so be warned’ crap.”

“Bastards,” Leonard huffed. “How long was I out?”

“Not long, but I assume they’ll be back and they won’t be as gentle.”

A lifeless chuckle left Leonard’s lips. “Gentle?”

“You’re alive, aren’t you?” Philip raised an eyebrow.

“Guess so,” Leonard nodded. He looked around the dark room and was glad to see that the rest of his medical team, Beverly Crusher and Julian Bashir were all present, and in one piece. “They’re not gonna play nice.”

“No, they won’t,” Beverly spoke up.

Leonard rested his back against the cold metal wall, his head tilting backwards. He closed his eyes and his thoughts ran to Jim, what he must be feeling right now, what he’s going through. Little did he know, Jim thought he was dead.

“Len? Don’t sleep, you might have a concussion,” Philip nudged Leonard’s shoulder gently.

“Not sleeping,” Leonard grumbled.

They sat in silence until the shrieking sound of a steel door opening broke it, and a body walked in. Cardassian.

“I’m sorry about earlier, I didn’t get a chance to formally introduce myself,” the man spoke, taking steps in front of the medical team. “My name is Dukar, I am here to get information, information you will give or you will pay.”

“Why the hell would we give you anything?” Leonard raised an eyebrow.

“If you want to live, you will give me what I want,” Dukar shrugged.

“I think everyone in this room knows that you’re not going to let us go. So the whole you’ll live promise ain’t gonna cut it.”

“You’ve got a big mouth, Dr. McCoy. From what I hear, you’re the boss,” Dukar stopped pacing and kneeled in front of Leonard.

Leonard made no attempt to move, his eyes narrowing and giving no signs of fear or hesitation. “Damn right.”

“That’s good,” an icy smile spread on Dukar’s face. “You’re my source then,” he said before standing up, and walked towards the door. He threw his head over his shoulder and said, “They’re gone. The ship, your ship, has fled. You’re never leaving this place.” With that, he stepped out of the room, the slam of the door making everyone jump.

Leonard released a broken breath, allowing himself to breathe properly.

“What did he say?” Julia, a nurse, asked in a shaky voice. “Is the Enterprise really gone?”

Leonard swallowed heavily. “Maybe he’s bluffing.”

“Didn’t sound like bluff to me, Len,” Philip sighed.

“They would have come by now,” Beverly nodded. “They’re gone.”

“No, they’re not. Jim knows what happened, he knows we’re down here. They’re probably waiting for more ships to arrive so they can take over those bastards. Jim wouldn’t leave us, he wouldn’t leave anyone behind.” _He wouldn’t leave me behind_ , he thought. “We just gotta hold on, they’ll come for us,” Leonard promised.

*****

Jim looked a hundred years older when they cut their mission short and returned to Earth one month later. Their mission was supposed to last three months before they got new orders and either extended their mission or went home. But given the circumstances, Jim had requested, through Spock, to turn around and return early. Pike didn’t argue. Jim made sure to pack every last item belonging to him and Leonard, knowing he’s never stepping another foot on the Enterprise again.

Jim quickly made his way through the crowd gathered at the San Francisco bay, not stopping for anyone, and he was out of his crew’s sight in no time.

Punching in the code to open their apartment, Jim’s mind played the torturous trick and began convincing him that Leonard will be waiting for him on the other side of the door. Jim pushed it open and was greeted by darkness and silence.

 _Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence_ , Leonard’s voice echoed in Jim’s head.

Well, Leonard wasn’t wrong.

The funeral for Doctor Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise, and husband of Captain James T. Kirk would be held the following day.

Jim sighed, walking over to the glass window, his eyes trailing the infinite black ahead. Stars twinkled left and right, and Jim felt like they were mocking him. They gave him everything he ever wanted and then brutally took it away without warning. He didn’t completely hate the stars though, because Leonard was now up there, among the stars, and hating them would mean hating Leonard and Jim would never ever hate Leonard McCoy for as long as he lives.

It was three days later that Nyota violently barged in on Jim, who was sitting on the couch, his mind not there. She had the code to their apartment, something about both Jim and Leonard being drunk off their asses and stumbling all over the place, Nyota was able to get one of them to spit it out. Neither man remembered much about that night, but it was a good one.

“Is it true?” Uhura demanded. “Jim!”

“Is what true?” Jim mumbled over his shoulder, not surprised to see the female standing there.

“I was just with Pike, and I asked when we’re heading back out and he told me you resigned.”

Jim stayed silent. “I don’t hear the question.”

“Are you really resigning?”

“There’s nothing left for me here,” Jim sighed.

“That’s not true, Jim.”

“Yes, it is,” Jim nodded. “We buried an empty coffin. He’s been declared dead. It’s done, it’s over. And all of this,” Jim gestured to the apartment, “is a trigger. He’s everywhere, I see him on the streets, in here, I see him when I close my eyes and it’s too much. I can’t handle it,” Jim’s eyes filled with tears. “I can’t be here without him. This place isn’t the same without Bones.”

“You love it here, Jim,” Nyota tried.

“I loved it here,” Jim corrected. “But I love Bones more. And staying here, going back out there, means tearing him away from me to stop the pain and I would never do that. I owe him more.”

“You don’t—you don’t need to go back out there, you can teach at the Academy—”

“No,” Jim interrupted. “I’m done. Even the Academy holds too many memories. I can’t do this without him. Starfleet was a sanctuary for both of us, it saved us by bringing us together. But it also took him away from me. So I’m done, with space and Starfleet, I can’t walk on the ship without him. When I stepped off that ship, I knew I wasn’t going back. I knew this was the end. It’s been a hell of a ride, but it’s over. I’m not going back.”

“You belong out there, Jim. Len knew that.”

“I don’t anymore. I went out there because I had nowhere else to go. I was desperate and broken and alone, I was a mess, bruised and battered. Then this old man, who was in just as bad a shape as me, sits right there. I belong with him. And he’s not here anymore,” Jim’s voice shook. “I can’t be me without him and I certainly can’t be me without him out there. I’m no long Captain James Kirk, I’m Jim. The shadow of the man he loves, the man he lost. The ship and her crew deserve better.”

Nyota walked towards Jim just as he stood up and threw her arms around Jim’s body, holding him in a tight embrace and took in a shuddering breath as the tears made their way down her cheek. Jim returned the hug with equal force.

“I gave her to Spock,” Jim said, pulling away.

Nyota sniffed, wiping the tears with the back of her hand and nodded.

Jim turned around and reached out for a framed picture of him and Leonard. He didn’t exactly remember the day the photo was taken, but they were on shore leave and the entire crew had gone out for dinner. They were both wearing sweatpants and short-sleeved shirts, Jim siting against Leonard’s body with the older man’s arm around his shoulder, pressing a kiss to his temple. Jim smiled, his eyes getting heavier with tears.

“Here,” Jim stretched the frame out to Nyota.

Nyota’s eyes went back and forth between Jim’s face and frame.

“Take it, so we’re always with you.”

Somehow, Nyota’s sight blurred with even more tears. Not trusting her voice, she nodded instead, taking the frame from Jim’s grip. She cleared her throat to find her voice. “Where will you go?”

“I’m going home, someone needs to look after the farm. Bones loved it there.”

Once again, Jim found himself enveloped by Nyota. “You’ll always, always be with us,” she whispered, squeezing Jim’s body tightly. “Both of you.”

“I know. Take care of her for me.”

A week later, Jim stood on the bay after saying goodbye to his crew, his family and watched as the shuttle took off, heading for the space dock. He had no idea when he’d see them again. He thought it would be harder, seeing them off and not being on the shuttle with them, but he found that he was all right standing where he was. He didn’t want to be on there without Leonard. He automatically began twirling his wedding band on his finger and for the first time since he heard Leonard say his name for the last time, it occurred to him that he doesn’t even have his husband’s wedding ring. That’s what happens when someone’s spouse dies, they get their wedding ring, but not Jim. Jim got nothing. Just an empty coffin and a Federation flag. The irony was almost enough to be laughed at.

Next thing he knew, Jim was on his way home, to Iowa, Starfleet, and the infinite realms of space left behind, a mere distant memory.

He would never leave Earth again.

He didn’t know that the Enterprise was heading back to Bajor.

*****

“Get your filthy paws off me,” Leonard sneered as a guard pushed him into the room, sending him crashing down on the unforgiving hard floor.

Philip leaped, getting to Leonard as fast as he could. “Len!” He supported his friend’s shoulders with his hands, keeping him off the floor.

The guard glared at the doctors before turning around and shutting the door.

“Are you okay?” Philip breathed.

“Marvelous,” Leonard spat, sitting up.

“You can’t keep going like this, you won’t last much longer,” Philip frowned, checking a cut that was steadily oozing blood above Leonard’s eyebrow.

“Yeah, tell them that.”

“It’s not fair,” Philip sighed.

“What?”

“Look at you, Len. We all barely have a single scratch and you…you’re their punching bag. I can’t tell how much damage has already been done,” Philip said with frustration.

“He said it, I’m the boss. I can’t sit by and watch anything happen to my team.”

“And what?” Philip scoffed. “We’re just supposed to sit back and watch them beat the shit out of every single day? No.”

“Yes, I asked for you guys to come, it’s my fault you’re here.”

“You can’t be serious! You’re blaming yourself? Come on, McCoy! You’re not that stupid.”

“I get it, Phil. But there’s nothing you can do. You will not engage, that’s an order.”

Philip sighed. “At least let me look at that nasty cut before it gets infected and you die of sepsis. It’ll be a real adventure then.”

“We’ll get out of here, Jim will find us.”

Leonard didn’t know if he convincing his team or himself. He quickly expelled the thought, of course Jim will find them. Of course Jim will come back for them. Because he’s Jim Kirk, and that is what Jim Kirk does.

They couldn’t tell the time, crammed into the small, dark windowless room. Days or weeks could have passed by, they had no clue. The medical team was exhausted and disoriented, drifting in and out of consciousness. Once a day, the door would open and a different guard would walk in, leave a few pieces of bread and leave. They had two half-filled buckets of water sitting in two corners of the room. However, they would helplessly watch as Leonard was dragged out and returned some time later with more bruises and blood dripping down his chin than there was before. A few times, Boyce had attempted to fight the guards and stop them from taking his boss, but weak and dehydrated, he was easily overpowered and pushed to the ground, his head hitting the dirty floor.

This time, however, it appeared that Dukar had a completely different plan in mind. Instead of sending a guard to deliver Leonard to him, he paid them a visit, striding into the locked room, looking far more satisfied than he should be. Ignoring the others, he made his way straight towards Leonard as the doctor involuntary twitched, backing away and eventually hitting the cement wall. He was now trapped between their captor and the hardness behind him.

The alien tangles his fingers into Leonard’s damp hair, pulling back violently so the doctor would look at him. Leonard pursed his lips shut, his eyes as deadly as he can master and waited.

“You’re going to be make me ask again, aren’t you?” Dukar sneered. “Very well. I think you may have suffered some head injury so I will ask one last time, and you better give me what I want, doctor.” He grabbed Leonard by the hem of his shirt, yanking him forward. “Starfleet’s security codes, defense measures, trading routes, Federation planets, now,” he demanded.

“I told you I don’t fucking know!” Leonard yelled. “All that information is classified, I can’t just open a goddamn file and read it!”

“No, but you know someone who could,” Dukar said, in a low and sinister tone.

Leonard’s eyes went wide, the words stopping short on his lips. _Jim_.

“Ah, yes, doctor, you more than know that someone, huh?” He challenged, roughly pushing Leonard backwards.

“Stop it, you’re going to kill him!” Boyce cried. “We don’t know it, any of it.”

“If that will demonstrate my resolve then I gladly will,” Dukar huffed and landed a forceful kick to Leonard’s chest, a sickening crack echoed in the small room.

Leonard curled up on the floor, his arms wrapped tightly around himself in a defensive gesture.

“He said he doesn’t know!” Boyce repeated. “None of us do! We’re doctors, we’re not command officers.”

“From what I hear, this good doctor is married to Captain Kirk,” Dukar pointed to Leonard’s body. “He ought to have let something slip here or there.”

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Leonard said through clenched teeth.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“I don’t give a damn what you believe,” Leonard sat up, wincing at the spike of pain in his chest. “It’s the fucking truth.”

“I will leave you to think about this,” Dukar turned to leave but came to a halt at Boyce’s voice.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Why am I doing this?” Dukar mocked. “To protect my people, that’s why!”

“Protect your people? Protect them for what?”

“The Federation! Are you really so naïve you’re blind to what Starfleet has done and is still doing?”

“I have a feeling you’re going to be enlighten us,” Leonard grumbled.

Dukar ignored the doctor’s statement. “Starfleet is a fraud, they’re cowards, murderers. They suck up the resources they need and leave, take it all to themselves, leaving the people behind. They only care about one thing: themselves. And by association of course, all of you are held responsible.”

“We came here, didn’t we?” Leonard raised an eyebrow. That earned him the Cardassian’s attention. “We heard this planet was under attack and we came to help because that is what Starfleet is about. Explore, unite, defend and protect. Now, I don’t know where you’re getting your information, but your sources are wrong.”

“You keep living in that bubble, doctor, it will catch up to you, sooner than you think.”

“Starfleet has never had a run-in with your people.”

“Not yet they haven’t, but at some point they’ll ruin us just as they did many, many other planets. And I won’t allow that to happen. And you’re going to pay.”

“They’ll be back, they will be. We may be gone by then, but they’ll stop you. You won’t get away with this,” Leonard assured.

“Oh, doctor,” the menacing smile was back. “I already have.” With that, Dukar walked out, leaving the doctors to wonder what he had meant.

“No one’s coming, doctor,” Beverly’s voice was tired and small.

“They’ll come,” Leonard nodded. “Jim will come.”

Leonard closed his eyes, and prayed to whichever god was listening that he was right, that they hadn’t given up on him and his team, that even in this small, suffocating room there was still hope. Until a thought occurred to him. Maybe the reason no one has showed up by now is because they think that they’re all dead. Leonard’s heart shattered into a million pieces.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun woke Jim two weeks after he left his captain’s stripes in San Francisco, the yellow rays bouncing off the walls of his childhood home and drawing him out of his shallow sleep. He didn’t know how the sun had the heart to shine that bright when Leonard is no longer alive, when Leonard would never feel its warmth ever again, and when his own life would never be as bright as it once was. It seemed unfair to Jim. He was sleeping in his brother’s bedroom, unable to sleep in his own, the memories of the countless nights he and Leonard slept in there haunting him. Every time they would get shore leave, they would either go to Iowa or Georgia, depending on which they visited last. But they always made it a point to get out of San Fran whenever they could, and now, Jim was never going back.

He tossed on his side, his eyes still closed and the warmth surrounding him leaving him cold. He doesn’t get much sleep these days, hasn’t slept for a full eight hours since he lost Leonard. He can imagine the older man’s response to that, but he’d really rather not.

He slowly opened his eyes, immediately finding a picture of them on his nightstand. His eyes trailed down the image of Leonard, his head thrown back with a big laugh, the wrinkles near his eyes radiant than ever. Those were rare moments, when Leonard would have let go completely and let his body shake with joy, and Jim cherished those moments, and always will, till the end of his days.

Jim swallowed heavily before speaking. “Morning, Bones,” his fingers touched the thin layer of glass.

The breeze blew outside, and Jim took it as a ‘good morning’ from Leonard.

An hour later, Jim found himself by the stables, the three horses neighing with happiness when they saw him. He gave them a small smile, scratching between their eyes as he walked by, getting to his favorite horse. Well, Leonard’s favorite. And Leonard is Jo’s favorite human, too.

Named by Leonard himself, Jo, a beautiful golden brown horse, was born the first time he ever visited Iowa with Jim, nearly eight years ago. Even though her mother adored Jim beyond belief, the little foal took one look at Leonard and fell completely in love with him, not that Jim blamed her of course. Leonard had insisted that she be the first horse he’d break into the saddle on the farm in Iowa, and Jim didn’t argue. Up until she was a little over four years old, growing up on a farm himself, Leonard would walk her around, slowly breaking her into the whole system. When he and Jim were both confident that she could handle his weight, Leonard threw on the saddle and hopped on, taking her for short periods then for longer and longer rides. Jim has a video of her and Leonard’s first ride.

“Hey girl, how are you doing today?” Jim cooed once he reached Jo’s stable.

He watched her long black tail swing left and right in excitement. He smiled, scratching his three-week old beard and extended his hand, running his fingers along the white streak painting the horse’s face.

Jim felt Jo’s wet tongue lick up his left hand, primarily his ring finger and his heart broke.

“Yeah,” his voice quivered. “I miss him, too.”

Jo responded with a low whine.

“I guess it’s just you and me now,” Jim whispered, leaning his forehead between her eyes and simultaneously massaged either side of her neck with his hands. “You wanna go out for a while?”

Jim opened the stable door and led the horse into the field, reminding himself to fix the broken tractor later.

He was at home, but he didn’t feel at home. He feared he never would. Because Leonard is his home, and Leonard is gone.

*****

“Len? Leonard?”

A quiet groan left Leonard’s slightly parted lips.

“How are you feeling?”

“Great,” Leonard huffed lowly.

It was the same cycle everyday, Dukar would demand information and the doctors would insist they didn’t know, because they truly didn’t. He should have figured they were telling the truth by now but Leonard suspects he already knows that but carries on with his vulgar attitude for the fun of it.

Leonard had lost weight, his face and chest decorated with all different shades of bruises. He couldn’t keep his head up any longer and rarely opened his eyes. He was slowly slipping between his friends’ fingers and as long as they were stuck in this unforgiving room, there was nothing they could do about it.

His worn out body was stretched on the rigid floor, his breathing slow and shallow and the throbbing in his head ignored, a constant dull pain. His head rested on Philip’s strong thigh, his mind going in a million different directions that all lead straight to Jim. Leonard was wondering if he’d ever get to see his husband again.

Metal against metal clashed together near the door, Leonard immediately tensed and felt Philip’s comforting hand land on his chest, guaranteeing his presence.

Instead of the door getting yanked open by a guard, a small piece of metal sitting in the middle slid open, revealing a young girl, no older than twenty. The doctors exchanged confused looks, they have never noticed the mail-like slot in the door before. The girl’s eyes trailed on the humans, but said nothing.

Julian cleared her throat and slowly got to her feet, walking towards the door and keeping her eyes connected with the girl.

“What’s your name?” She asked slowly, wondering if the girl will understand her.

The girl said nothing, just kept her eyes on Julian’s face.

“I’m Julian, those are my friends, Beverly, Philip and Leonard,” she tried again.

The girl nodded. “Mali.”

“Oh that’s a beautiful name,” Julian smiled. “Are you from here?”

Mali shook her head. “My dad is the leader.”

“Dukar is your father?” Julian’s eyes went wide with fear.

Mali nodded again. “I should not be here.”

Julian turned to face Philip with questioning look. He urged her to continue.

“What your father wants from us—we don’t have that kind of information. If we don’t get some help, Leonard is going to die, our friend is going to die.”

“He warned me about you, my father,” Mali said, staring into nothingness.

“What…did he say?”

“He said that you’re all killers, that you’re dangerous and that you rob people, leaving them with nothing and that we’re supposed to hate you.”

“Do you?”

Mali said nothing.

“Look, we’re doctors, we help people. That’s why we were coming here, because we heard that the people needed help.”

Whatever Mali was about to say died in her mouth, a loud bang coming from behind startling her. Then she remembered that she wasn’t supposed to be down there, she wasn’t supposed to talk to the prisoners. She scrambled with the small metal window, trying to get it to close.

“No, please don’t go, please,” Julian begged. “Come back.”

“I’m sorry,” was all Mali said before managing to close the window.

“At least she wasn’t crazy like that father of hers,” Leonard pushed out.

“We need to get out of here,” Philip sighed.

“Yeah, got any bright ideas?” Leonard asked.

“We play on the girl,” Julian spoke up. “I don’t think she agrees with what her father is doing. She was about to say something before she ran.”

“Looks like Starfleet’s golden boy won’t be helping us out of this one,” Leonard swallowed, the headache getting worse.

“They’ll come, Len, you said it yourself,” Philip reminded him.

Leonard response was tangled and none of the doctors understood him. Instead, they all sat back and wondered what would happen to them next.

Over the span of the following days, Mali would drop by and talk to the doctors for a while. She had revealed that she doesn’t agree with her father’s methods and that she had tried stopping him in the past. She asked about Starfleet, given that the information her father had been feeding her was false and made up, she wanted to know what it really was, what they really did. And Julian had told her, told her everything there was to know about Starfleet. That they’re explorers and they go out to unite peoples and to offer security and safety to planets that are unable to protect themselves, and they ensure peace across many galaxies and create bonds between different species.

“That’s why you came here?”

“Yes,” Julian nodded. “This planet had join the Federation, which is basically this huge group of united planets that trade together and help each other and protect each other. The capital of the Federation is Earth, and that’s where is Academy is. There are many space ships, including the one we were all stationed on, the Enterprise.”

“Why haven’t they come back for you?”

“I don’t know,” Julian nodded. “Maybe they went back to regroup with the rest of the Fleet and get more ships to help them take over here. Or maybe they think we’re dead. They crushed our communicators when they captured us, and that was the only way we could connect with our crew. We need to talk to them, to tell them that we’re alive.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Mali nodded. “How’s Doctor McCoy?”

“Barely hanging on,” Philip spoke up. “I think he’s bleeding internally. We need to get him out of here soon or he’s not going to make it.”

“I wish I could come with you,” Mali admitted sadly.

“You can come with us, no one should live the life you’re living, you deserve better.”

“But my father…”

“He wouldn’t have a say,” Julian said. “If you help us get out of here, you would have saved our lives, which means that the Federation would owe you and would take you away from your father, if that’s what you want.”

“I do like how Starfleet sounds. How old do you have to be to join the Academy?”

“It doesn’t matter how old you are. Leonard joined when he was in his thirties, I joined when I was in my twenties. You can do it.”

Mali’s face immediately lit up at Julian’s words. The possibility of a whole new life, the life she always dreamt of, coming true sent her straight to the clouds.

“I’ll find you something that will help you talk to your ship,” she promised.

Mali’s promise came through three days later, but not without consequence. She banged on the door several times and attempted to slide the small window open with shaking hands. Her eyes were blown with horror and her fingers were clutched tightly around a small black object.

“What’s wrong?” Julian asked immediately, rushing to the door.

“They know, they found out that I’m helping you, I don’t know what they’ll do to me but here, this should help you get in contact with your ship,” she pushed the object through the window.

Julian took it but kept her eyes on the girl. “What are they gonna do to you?”

“I don’t know, but they will tell my father and he doesn’t deal well with…these issues. Just get him out of here,” Mali nudged her head towards Leonard, who was barely responsive anymore.

“We’re not going to leave without you, we’ll find you.”

Mali gave her a quick nod and closed the window. A few seconds later, they heard steps stomping rapidly towards them and Mali’s screech. They could hear her kicking but was clearly over-powered. The noise died down and no one opened the door.

Julian looked into her hand for the first time since the girl shoved the object into her hand, and saw that it was a standard Starfleet communicator. Different color than the silver ones they had onboard the Enterprise but still, Starfleet issued nonetheless. She turned and gave it to Philip, who quickly flipped it open and began working to reach the Enterprise.

“You with me, Len?” he asked, his fingers working at the communicator.

The smallest of groans left Leonard’s mouth.

“We got a comm, buddy, we’ll be out of here in no time, just stay with me, alright?”

“’im?” Leonard creaked.

“Yeah, Len, Jim.”

After successfully getting the comm to work, and despite the terrible reception they were receiving, Philip managed to get a green signal.

“Boyce to Enterprise, Captain Kirk can you hear me?”

Nothing.

“Enterprise, can you hear me? Boyce to Enterprise, Captain?”

Still nothing.

“This is Doctor Boyce, Enterprise can you hear me?”

Silence.

“Damn it,” Philip shook his head.

Then the communicator came to life.

“—Boyce? Doctor, can you hear me? This is Captain Spock, doctor?”

Boyce’s eyes went wide at the words ‘Captain Spock’ but he quickly recovered, turning his attention to the communicator.

“Yes, Captain, I can hear you. We’re all alive but Doctor McCoy is in need of immediate medical assistance, he’s in really bad shape. They’re keeping us in some kind of room.”

“Understood, doctor. We cannot seem to be able to pin point your location, but we will beam down to the planet’s surface and find you. Can you tell me anything about where you are held?”

“I’m not sure, Captain, we never left the room but I think it’s in a basement, we’d hear them coming down the stairs. The room is cold.”

“Copy that, doctor. Hang on,” Spock ordered.

“Yes, Captain.”

“Spock out.”

“No Jim?” Leonard rasped.

Philip didn’t know how to answer that so he just stayed silent.

“They’re alive?” Uhura faced Spock, his eyes wide with disbelief.

“They are,” Spock nodded. “Although I sense that Doctor McCoy won’t be for much longer, we must beam down at once.”

“Of course,” Uhura nodded. “Jim, oh God, Jim has to know.”

“We can get in touch with him once Doctor McCoy and his team are safely aboard the Enterprise,” Spock turned to the bridge crew. “Mr. Sulu, you will accompany me to the planet’s surface along with Lieutenant Uhura, Mr. Chekov, you have the conn.”

After gathering his landing party, Spock led them into the transporter room. “Mr. Scott, be ready to beam on request, and have a medical team standing by. Get Doctor M’Benga.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Energize.”

It took the landing team approximately thirty minutes to find out where the doctors were being held, thanks to Spock’s magical mind-sweeping superpower. They fired their phasers left and right, hitting anyone who got in their way. Spock blasted the door open and uncovered the doctors, his face softening a bit upon seeing that all of them, with the exception of Leonard, seemed to be in an okay shape. Leonard was a different story.

“Captain!” Philip called out.

Spock immediately made his way and bent down near Leonard’s heavy body. The doctor was sweating, his face pale, his eyes rolling under his closed eyelids and his breathing dangerously short and shallow.

“He won’t last much longer,” Philip swallowed.

Spock nodded and helped Boyce got Leonard to his feet as they both carried the man’s weight.

“Jim?” Leonard whispered, feeling the two men transporting him above ground.

“It’s Spock, Doctor McCoy.”

“Where’s Ji’?” Leonard didn’t have a chance to hear the answer as his head fell forwards and the darkness engulfed him.

“Where is Captain Kirk?” Philip asked instead, dreading the answer he would get. He knew how it worked, Spock was Jim’s first officer and when the Captain dies, well, the first officer becomes the Captain.

“He resigned,” Spock’s answer put Boyce slightly at ease. “After he thought—he resigned, and he had told Lieutenant Uhura that he would be returning to his home.”

Boyce nodded, his eyes drifting to Leonard’s unconscious form in their arms.

“Mr. Scott, four to beam up.”

“No, wait,” Julian spoke up.

Spock turned his head to face the female. “What is it?”

“There’s a girl, Mali, she’s the daughter of the Cardassian leader. They took her, we need to get her back.”

“Why would we do such thing?”

“Because she helped us,” Julian explained. “She gave us the communicator that we were able to use to reach the ship. She doesn’t agree with her father’s way and she risked her life to save us and they found out and they took her. I promised we wouldn’t leave without her, please, Captain.”

“Very well, if she had saved your lives then Starfleet owes her,” Spock nodded.

“I want to help find her.”

“Very well. Three to beam up, Mr. Scott.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Seconds later, the transporter room appeared around the three doctors, and Leonard seemed to have regained some kind of awareness.

“M’Benga!” Boyce yelled.

M’Benga was helping Philip lower Leonard on a stretcher in a heartbeat, the state his friend was in tearing his heart and cutting off his breath.

“Len, can you hear me?” M’Benga leaned over Leonard’s body.

Leonard groaned. “Jim…where’s Jim?”

“It’s M’Benga. Len, you’re going to be fine, I promise. Just stay with me.”

“Jim,” was all Leonard said before his eyes shut once again.

“We need to get him to surgery now,” M’Benga said, looking over the results of the tricorder that a nurse had run over Leonard’s body.

“I’m in,” Boyce said.

“Phil, no,” M’Benga shook his head. “You’re in no shape, you think you’re fine but that’s the adrenaline. It’ll die down soon and I can’t have you crashing on me in surgery. Wait in Med Bay, I’ll get someone to check you out. You too, Bev.”

Both doctors watched as M’Benga and his team rolled Leonard out of the transporter room and rushing towards the Med Bay. Philip sighed, his hand running through his messy, greasy hair.

“What the hell just happened?” Beverly spoke.

“Leonard is gonna be in for a ride when he wakes up.”

Spock and the rest of the team were beamed up to the ship two hours later after successfully locating Mali and bringing her onboard. Her eyes went big once they landed in the transporter room, turning to face Julian with awe written on her face.

“Fancy, huh?”

“Fascinating,” Mali nodded, stepping off the pad.

Spock, now standing in front of her, extended his hand. “Thank you for helping to save the medical team, we could not have done it without you.”

“Thank you, Captain,” she shook Spock’s hand. “I was only doing my duty, keeping innocent people hostage is a crime and anyone who crosses that line should get punished.”

The smallest of smiles appeared on the Vulcan’s face. “Starfleet can use a mind like yours. I will personally see to it that you are enrolled in The Academy for the next semester. Now, Doctor Bashir will take you to Med Bay and once you have been cleared, she’ll give you a tour of the ship.”

Julian nodded, placing her hand on the girl’s shoulder and led her out of the transporter room. They walked into Med Bay soon after, and found Philip sitting on a chair, leaning backwards with his eyes closed.

“Have you heard anything?” Julian asked.

Philip simply shook his head.

Julian sighed, gesturing for Mali to hop onto one of the biobeds and began getting out the necessary items to check the girl over for any injures. She started by running the tricorder over her body.

“He wouldn’t let me help,” Philip spoke. “M’Benga,” he clarified. “I wanted to help.”

“I see why he’d say no,” Julian shot back.

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, but he can’t deal with Len on the table and you passed out on the floor,” Julian defended. “Look, Len will need plenty of help when he pulls through surgery. Everyone will have a role to play.”

“I wonder who will tell him that Jim resigned,” Philip sighed.

“I will.”

Philip and Julian turned to face the source of the voice and saw Uhura standing by the sliding doors.

“I was his…best man at their wedding, I should do it,” Uhura explained.

“Have you contacted Jim yet?”

“I tried a bunch of times, it seems like his comm is switched off, I can’t reach him but I’ll keep trying.”

“Jim?” Mali asked as Julian read the results. Mainly bruises and lacerations over the girl’s body.

“Yeah,” Julian nodded. “He was the Captain before Spock.”

“What happened to him?”

“He resigned. They’re married, him and Leonard and everyone thought we were dead. I would imagine that Jim couldn’t handle being on the ship without Leonard.”

“Oh,” Mali’s face fell. “That’s really sad.”

“It is,” Julian nodded. “But thanks to you, Leonard will be fine and they’ll be happily back together.”

Mali smiled at that, already liking this new life of hers.

Leonard had suffered a ruptured spleen and two broken ribs, along with extreme dehydration and weight loss, they were told by a very worn out looking M’Benga. The doctor also had a fever, which they were working on bringing down and has been fixed with a regenerator to mend his broken ribs. The spleen had to go, since it wouldn’t stop bleeding and compromised Leonard’s life several times on the table. And of course, the occasional bruise here and cut there.

“It might take a while, but he’s going to be fine,” M’Benga assured the anxious crew.

“Thank God, that was close,” Uhura breathed.

“We barely got him in time. If he wasn’t here when he was…then…”

“Can I stay with him?” Uhura asked.

“He’ll be out most of the night, but sure,” M’Benga nodded.

“I’ll take over, you should get some rest,” Philip offered.

“Phil…”

“I’m fine, Ben. I rested up. You were the one on your feet saving Len’s life. Sleep for a few hours, I can handle Med Bay,” Philip smiled.

Uhura watched Leonard’s chest rise and fall with every breath he took, the steady beeping of his heart monitor in the background a source of comfort. Her hand wrapped around his now warm one and gave it a light squeeze. She kept her eyes trailed on his face, hoping for any signs of him swimming towards consciousness. His eyes remained as still as they were under closed eyelids.

She grabbed her comm and tried Jim again, frowning when it gave her the same response. She went ahead and recorded a message for Jim to hear if he were to ever turn his communicator on again.

“Jim, it’s Nyota. Listen, I have some news that I would rather not tell a machine, you should hear this directly. It’s important, and I don’t know why the hell you aren’t answering your comm. Just call me back when you hear this please.”

Halfway through the night and Leonard still wasn’t showing any signs of waking up. Nyota had grabbed a stack of magazines and was carelessly going through them, trying to keep her mind from worrying about Leonard and wondering why on earth Jim Kirk wasn’t returning her message.

If it weren’t for the complete silence of Med Bay, Nyota would have missed the tiniest of groans that left Leonard’s mouth. She froze, wanting to make sure it wasn’t just her imagination and turned her head to face the injured man when an identical noise emerged again.

“Leonard? Len, it’s Nyota. Can you hear me?”

Another groan.

“I’m gonna take that as a yes, how are you feeling?” Her hand went around Leonard’s.

Leonard’s tongue darted out to lick at his dry lips and cleared his throat. “Like I was run over by a damn truck.”

Nyota chuckled. “I don’t blame you. Do you need me to call M’Benga or Boyce for you?”

Leonard shook his head, swallowing roughly and darted his eyes around the sterile area. “Wh—where is he?” He asked, his voice low and hoarse. “Where’s Jim?”

Nyota suspected that her face fell and her eyes saddened because the next thing she knew, Leonard was attempting to sit up, demanding to know the whereabouts of his idiot husband.

“No, no, stay back, you can’t move,” Nyota quickly, but gently pushed Leonard back into the bed.

“Then tell me where the hell Jim is! He’s not…” … _dead_ , the thought lingered.

“He’s not here, Len.”

“Where the hell is he then?”

“He resigned,” Nyota sighed.

Leonard stared at her, not saying anything. He blinked rapidly, parting his lips to speak. “He what? I’m sorry, I probably got roughed up harder than I thought because I think I heard you say that Jim Kirk, Jim fucking Kirk, resigned from Starfleet.”

“He did,” Nyota nodded. “Spock’s the Captain now.”

“The pointy-eared bastard is the Captain?” Leonard huffed. “Come on, I’m not that stupid. This is a practical joke, isn’t it? That fool is standing outside, trying to keep from giggling and ruining the whole thing, right? If he wasn’t married to me, I’d say he was married to this tin can, I don’t believe he’d ever step foot off it.”

“He stepped down and never stepped up again,” Nyota’s face remained unchanging.

Leonard’s breath cut short in his stomach, the realization that the female wasn’t joking sinking his heart. “You’re—you’re not kidding.”

“He went home, to Iowa,” she explained. “He thought you were dead, Len, we all did. It all happened so quickly and he couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t come aboard the ship without you and he fled as fast as he could.”

Leonard exhaled slowly, tugging his fingers through his thick black hair. “Goddamn it, Jim.”

“We’re on our way back, we’ll figure it out,” Nyota promised.

“I wanna talk to him.”

Nyota shook her head. “Can’t reach him, his comm is turned off and he’s not returning my messages.”

“Fucking hell, Jim,” Leonard cursed.

*****

It was hot and humid and sticky outside, but Jim twisted in his king sized bed, wrinkling his forehead at how cold the mattress was. He could sleep alone, he had done it for years before he joined Starfleet and met Leonard, and Leonard wasn’t home every single night since they began dating. No, Leonard sometimes had night shifts at Med Bay, sometimes he’d have to go away to conferences when they were on shore leave, and that’s just to name a few occasions. Jim wasn’t always home at night either. But this, this was different. Back then, Jim knew his husband would be back, in a matter of hours or days, but he’d be back to warm their bed at night. But now, now he knew Leonard wasn’t coming back, that his side on the bed would remain dry and icy and unused until Jim’s last day. Soon enough, Jim’s side would dip, and the mattress would no longer be equal and smooth because that’s what Jim is slowly turning into, a rough, broken man. He tried to keep his mind busy, tried not to let it drift to Leonard but there’s just so much one can do not to think about the love of their life. He tried to keep himself busy on the farm, checking on the horses, the cows, fixing old machines, hell he even began harvesting the crops. The longer he tried to drift away from Leonard, the more he longed for the man and the more his heart ached at the empty space in his bed.

Jim kicked the remaining part of the covers off his body and sat up with a sigh. He ran his hand through his messy bedridden blond hair and immediately remembered how it felt to have Leonard do that instead. The older man adored the way Jim looked right after he woke up, he would gently tug his body into his muscular one and attempt to tame Jim’s strands while the younger man rested his face against Leonard’s bare shoulder. Jim wouldn’t close his eyes then, he’d keep them plastered on Leonard’s face and watched as his husband performed this simple act of love and care, an act that meant so much and promised just as much. Jim would adjust his head and press a lazy kiss to Leonard’s lips, and he’d feel him smile through it.

Jim was zapped back to reality by the sinking feeling in his stomach, and the knot that tightened and threatened to cut off his breathing. “Damn it,” he whispered, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. He glanced at his nightstand drawer and in one impulsive move yanked it open. His Starfleet communicator glared back at him, not saying anything yet saying enough. His hands were itching to grab it but he forced himself to remain still. _This is ridiculous_ , he thought and shut the drawer.

He missed space, he missed the Enterprise and he missed his crew, but he missed Leonard so much more. Jim was in for the surprise of his life.

Jim walked through the field after he distractingly had his breakfast—a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice—and had nearly forgotten that it has been two months since his life had fallen apart. The days and weeks were blending together and Jim couldn’t tell time, he couldn’t even tell the day. He robotically made his way through the hours, turning down offers for beer or dinner when some of his childhood friends dropped by here and there. He’d sleep with the sun and let it wake him up and the cycle continued. He was waiting for the day he’d close his eyes and unite with Leonard. He didn’t know that he didn’t have to sleep to hold his husband again.

Jim noticed that Jo has been agitated lately, whining more frequently and refusing to eat. Jim was worried about her, having no idea what caused the sudden change in the horse’s attitude.

“How are you feeling today, Jo?” Jim approached the stable.

The horse turned her face to the side, causing Jim’s hands to land on her neck instead of her face. Sadness coated her eyes, and she looked tired. A pang hit Jim’s chest, and somehow, he felt even more helpless.

“What’s going on with you?” he whispered, slowly pushing his hand through her golden hair.

Out of nowhere, the horse retreated and began to neigh and whine louder than Jim had ever heard before. His eyebrows creased, and he took a few steps backwards. She began hitting the wooden door with her hoofs, and Jim got the hint.

“You want to go out?” He reached for her reigns and unhooked the door, guiding her into the open field.

Jo began trotting away and Jim had to tighten his grip on the leather in his hand to control her. After learning how short her reign was the hard way, she began fidgeting left and right, walking around in wide circles around Jim and vigorously shaking her head. Jim had never seen her act like this before and he was at loss about what to do about it. He decided to let her do her thing, that she’ll eventually tire herself out and go back to normal. Then it happened, that Southern voice.

“If I didn’t know any damn better, I’d say you were born to be a farmer.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jim’s face dropped and he stopped breathing, the thudding in his chest deafening. He remained as still as a statue, his back facing the source of the voice. _No, no, no, it can’t be_ , he thought. _This is some cruel trick my mind is playing. No, I just need some sleep, this can’t be real, he’s dead. Your husband is dead and you’re never seeing him again_.

For some reason, against all instinct and freakin’ logic, Jim decided to turn around. He did it so slowly, like there was a bird he didn’t want to scare away. He tried to swallow against the imaginary mass in his throat but failed. His breaths were coming quick now, so quick he still felt like he wasn’t breathing.

“And thankfully for everyone’s sake, I do know better. I know you belong among the stars.”

Jim took a few steps backwards, his hands involuntarily rising in front of his chest in defense. Jo had gotten quiet, too.

“N—no,” Jim squeezed out. “This can’t be real.”

“It’s good to see you too.”

“Bones is gone, you’re—this is my mind, isn’t it? This is all me, I’ve gone mad,” Jim huffed and stopped moving. His eyes going wide when Leonard walked closer and closer.

“No, you haven’t gone mad. Well, not any madder than you were before.”

“You’re dead,” Jim wheezed.

“Damn it, I sure as hell would know if I were dead, you idiot.”

Jim sucked in a shaky breath. That was such a Leonard thing to say. He allowed himself, for a fraction of a second, to play along, to actually believe that the thing in front of him is truly his husband, the man he vowed to dedicate his entire life to, the man whose loss had completely and utterly destroyed him. He decided to let himself hope.

“Bones?” Jim whispered, too scared to believe.

“Jim,” Leonard smiled, the smile that brightened up Jim’s world, that made everything better, that promised and gave so much, the smile he thought he would never see again.

“This is not some crazy apparition where you tell me that I should get my life together and get out of the house and stop feeling sorry for myself and then disappear into thin air?”

Leonard chuckled. “You’ve been watching way too much T.V., kid. No, I won’t be disappearing into thin air, that I can guarantee.” Leonard took a quick look at the farm around them and turned to face Jim, noticing that the younger man never tore his eyes away from his face. He wasn’t even blinking. “I’d say you’ve done pretty damn good, it looks better than the last time we were here for sure.”

“I don’t—you’re really here?”

“See for yourself,” Leonard whispered, shortening the distance between their bodies.

Jim’s eyes fell to Leonard’s chest and the steady rise and fall of his lungs. He lifted his wobbling hands and hesitantly laid them on the older man’s chest. His hands didn’t go through. That was something.

Jim’s face snapped upwards, his eyes connecting with Leonard’s hazel ones that were filled with love and affection and longing. His face was soft and he smiled at Jim’s realization.

“Bones,” Jim said, more confidently this time.

“Yeah, Jim?”

“You’re actually here, you’re alive,” Jim breathed, feeling Leonard’s regular heartbeat thumping against his palm.

“I’m here now, I’m here,” Leonard nodded, his hands going up to take Jim’s bearded face into them.

Jim surged forward, wrapping his arms around Leonard’s body and buried his face in the man’s neck. He breathed in the scent that is all Leonard, the scent that he thought would quickly fade away from his life. He didn’t bother stopping the burning tears as they poured down his face. He held on to the man as if he was his lifeline, because he most definitely is.

Leonard was almost thrown off balance by Jim’s attack but quickly regained his posture, returning the fierce embrace with all the energy he could gather. One hand landed on the small of Jim’s back while the other found its way into the now long blond hair above Jim’s neck.

“It’s all right, darlin’, everything is all right,” Leonard soothed.

That made Jim cry harder, clutching the back of Leonard’s standard issued black Starfleet shirt into his fists, his knuckles going white.

Leonard heard him mutter words along the lines of “you’re here” and “you’re alive” and “I thought I lost you” and “Bones, Bones, Bones,” but he didn’t get a chance to respond so he opted to keep holding the trembling man until he calmed down, and they could have an understandable conversation where no one bursts into tears.

Leonard didn’t know how long he stood there, cradling Jim in his arms, but his feet started to get numb and ache so he gathered they’ve been standing in the same position for quite some time. Picking on that, Jim straightened his back and sniffed, his eyes roaming over Leonard’s face, still trying to beat it into his thick head that his husband is _alive_ and standing right in front of him.

“I’m not going to wake up and find that all of this was a cruel joke, am I?”

“No, no jokes here,” was all Leonard said before claiming Jim’s dry lips with his own.

Leonard’s tongue swept over Jim’s bottom lip, gaining access immediately, pushing into the mouth he knew so well and missed beyond words could express. A stifling moan sat at the bottom of Jim’s throat as his hands went up to tug lightly at Leonard’s hair, the older man growling in response. The kiss was blazing with emotion and need and yearning and pure love. It had been too long and both men wanted to drown in each other.

Eventually, one of them broke the kiss, both panting with identical swollen lips when Leonard pressed his forehead against Jim, his eyes still closed.

“I missed you so much, darlin’,” Leonard’s voice was thick, one of his hands cupping the side of Jim’s face as he ran his thumb over his cheekbone.

“There wasn’t a second that went by that I didn’t miss you,” Jim croaked, opening his eyes and sending a tear lingering down his cheek and into his beard. He didn’t know he was crying.

Leonard’s thumb wiped the fallen tear and looked into Jim’s blue eyes. They were clear, clear of the loss and the pain Jim had endured. They were replaced by hope and promise and the smallest specks of joy. Leonard had begun healing his husband.

“You look like shit, kid.”

“I look better than you,” Jim shot back.

“Well, I have my excuse.”

Jim’s face fell.

“Sorry, sorry, bad joke,” Leonard apologized. “I’m fine, I’m here, it’s gonna be fine.”

Jim nodded and turned to look at the incredibly quite horse standing a few feet away. “I guess that’s why she was going a little crazy.”

“She’s gotten so big,” Leonard marveled, his eyes going wide.

“She missed you.”

“Hey, Jo, hey,” Leonard approached the horse, holding out his hand to pet her between her eyes. “How’s my favorite girl doing?”

Jim smiled, his hand still latched to Leonard’s shirt, afraid the man would vanish if he let go.

Jo’s tail swung left and right, clearly content that her favorite human was back.

“How—I mean, I thought—no, I saw—”

“Shh,” Leonard took Jim’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Later, I promise.” Leonard sat down, pulling Jim down with him.

“Bones, what—”

Leonard then spread his body on the grass, tugging Jim closer into his chest. Jim instantly pushing his face into Leonard’s chest and threw his arm over the man’s waist. He nudged his leg between Leonard’s knees and looked at his face.

“Bones, what are we doing?”

“We’re lying in the field, enjoying the sun.”

“Enjoying the sun? Who are you and what have you done with my husband?”

Leonard chuckled, the vibration causing Jim to smile. “I’m a changed man.”

“Sure you are,” Jim poked Leonard’s side with his finger playfully. He had lost a lot of weight.

Leonard lifted his head just enough to press a kiss to Jim’s temple. “I love you, darlin’.”

“I love you too, Bones. You’re really here.”

After a night of passion and heat, Jim slept in his room for the first time since he was back home, Leonard beside him, warming up the bed.

*****

Most of the following three days were spent inside the house, with Jim and sometimes Leonard, going out to take care of the daily chores. For the first time in what felt like forever, the sun’s warmth seeped into Jim’s body and he felt good, he didn’t feel like it was burning him alive anymore.

Leonard woke up to the sensation of light fingers trailing over his very faint surgical scar drawn against his abdomen. He knew Jim was already awake, he’d be awake before Leonard most mornings since they were reunited. Most mornings, hazel eyes would open to meet blue ones, looking directly at each other, this morning however, Jim’s eyes were focused on Leonard’s naked chest, his forehead knitted together like it did when he was over-thinking.

“What are you thinking about?” Leonard whispered.

Jim wasn’t startled, he probably knew Leonard had woken up but he didn’t move his face to meet his husband’s. His eyes remained still. “It’s not supposed to leave a scar, the regenerator should have healed it completely.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t.”

“I don’t want you to have a scar,” Jim’s voice was heavy with guilt.

“It’s okay, Jim, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Jim violently shook his head. “I thought the shuttle crashed and I left you there, I _left_ you behind and you have that because of me and I—if I had just—”

Leonard felt a tear tickle his chest and tightened his arm around Jim’s shoulder. “You can’t blame yourself for this, Jim, it wasn’t your fault. There’s no way you could’ve known that the shuttle was captured, that it didn’t crash.”

Jim looked up with watery eyes.

“I kinda bullied Spock into showing me the recording,” Leonard shrugged. “It wasn’t your fault, darlin’.”

“I shouldn’t have let you go down there or I should have been down there with you,” Jim sniffed.

“No,” Leonard shook his head. “I thanked God every day that you weren’t down there, Jim.”

Jim watched as the confidence and strength drained from Leonard’s face and was replaced with fear and uncertainty.

“It was hell, Jim. They would interrogate me for information regarding Starfleet and they wouldn’t stop, even after I kept telling them I didn’t know anything and I wasn’t lying. But they just kept coming. I think that they knew I didn’t know crap after a while but the damn bastards seemed to enjoy having a personal shared punching bag,” Leonard huffed out a bitter chuckle. “And they knew I was married to you, that’s what they played on, they thought you told me classified information and they knew I was CMO and…they didn’t touch anyone else, but I was simply the Medical head and they did…Imagine what they would have done if they had the Captain himself and they were absolutely certain the information they were ready to kill for was just at their finger tips,” Leonard broke his haze, looking at Jim’s blown eyes and held their gaze unblinking. “They would have killed you, and I wouldn’t have survived witnessing that.”

“I’m sorry, Bones, I’m so sorry,” Jim sobbed, burying his face in Leonard’s neck.

Leonard’s hand landed on the back of Jim’s head, holding it in place. “Don’t be, Jim, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for. You brought me home, I pulled through because I knew I had to see you again, because I couldn’t let that be the end of us, I wouldn’t let those fuckers take away the best thing that ever happened to me,” Leonard was vaguely aware of the tears now streaming down his face.

Jim clearly heard his words because the younger man began vibrating in his grip, and Leonard heard a small “Bones” leaving Jim’s lips and colliding with his own now-salty skin, making him shiver from head to toe.

Leonard kept humming “I love you” over and over again until Jim finally relaxed and started panting slightly, trying to even his breathing.

“You all right?” Leonard asked, loosening his hand from Jim’s head, giving him a chance to look up.

Without a word, Jim crashes his mouth against Leonard’s and the salty taste of their mingled tears evident on both their lips and on their tangled tongues. It was a reassuring kiss, proving to Jim that Leonard is alive, and proving to Leonard that Jim was all right. That they’re going to be fine because they have each other, and that’s all that matters.

“Do you miss it?” Leonard asked when they were settled with no tears on their faces. “The ship? Starfleet?”

Jim swallowed, considering his answer for a few moments. “I do,” he admitted. “I never thought I would walk away, I never thought you’d let me.”

“Then why did you? Because you’re damn right, I never would have let you let that go.”

“Because you were gone, Bones, and I couldn’t do it. Walking away wasn’t that hard because I had already lost everything, there was nothing left for me to lose,” Jim sighed and sat up, got out of bed and walked over to a column of drawers and pulled the second one open. He stared at its contents for a while and dabbed his hands into it, revealing the blue and white Federation flag. He shut the drawer and walked back to the bed, sitting on the edge near Leonard’s legs. The doctor sat up, but remained silent.

“This is all I got,” Jim murmured, his eyes stuck on the neatly folded flag, his fingers roaming over the fabric. “And an empty coffin.”

Leonard extended his hand, covering Jim’s moving one and settled them both on the Starfleet symbol.

“I saluted an empty coffin, Bones,” Jim’s voice broke. “Your empty coffin.”

Leonard sprung over, his hands on either said of Jim’s face and pressed a kiss to his uneven forehead.

“I’m done with space.”

“Okay, okay,” Leonard nodded. He knew pushing Jim would do no good and all the pain and wounds were still fresh, and they both would need time to heal.

He knew the nightmares would be inventible, not because they haven’t started yet means that they won’t happen. He’s a doctor, and he knows how these things go. They both would eventually get them, but that didn’t scare them, because they knew the other man would be right there, soothing and assuring and strong until they would both be all patched up again.

*****

It was getting late, the sun had disappeared from the purple horizon hours ago and Jim and Leonard were lazily nested on the couch, their feet resting on the coffee table in front of them. It had been one week since they talked about what happened to Leonard and the subject was never brought up again.

“You know,” Leonard broke the silence in the living room, tearing his eyes away from the television screen and directing them at Jim. “You don’t have to be completely done with space.”

“What? You actually want to go back out there? Leonard McCoy is willingly choosing to leave gravity and roam around the never-ending corners of space?”

Leonard could sense the sarcasm on the edge of Jim’s voice but stuck to his original words. “I’d go anywhere with you. You lead and I’ll follow.”

“Why do I have to lead, though? Why can’t you lead?”

“Because I just want to make sure that you’re happy.”

“What about you, Bones? What about your happiness?”

“You’re my happiness.”

“That’s not fair,” Jim shook his head.

“Listen to me, and don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way. You need a lot of things to be happy Jim, you need me, but you also need more. I know that, and I accept it, it doesn’t bother me. It actually gives me the chance to make sure that you’re the happiest you can be. And that is what I vowed to you, that I’d do everything in my power to ensure your absolute happiness. And I know for a fact that you love being among the stars.”

“Loved,” Jim corrected. “I don’t anymore.”

“Why not?” Leonard ran his hand up and down Jim’s arm.

“Because it wasn’t happiness anymore, it was misery and pain and darkness. You were right. Space is nothing but silence and danger and darkness. You knew it all along.”

“You shouldn’t take anything I said that day seriously,” Leonard shook his head. “I was ready to throw it all away. But then I saw you, and somehow, I was looking forward to tomorrow.”

Jim sighed, nudging his head further into Leonard’s shoulder.

“I never meant to actually live on a ship again,” Leonard clarified. “No, the sun feels good for once.”

“I see where you’re going with this.”

“Do you?”

“You want us to teach at Starfleet.”

“You should get more credit for your smartness, Captain.”

“I don’t know, Bones,” Jim breathed.

“We’d just be teaching, no missions, no crazy hours. We’d be home by five and could go on an actual date, in an actual restaurant with people. And I can help you out with the paperwork.”

Jim bit his bottom lip, thinking, considering.

“Sleep on it, okay?” Leonard kissed Jim’s temple.

“Okay.”

*****

It hit Jim when he least expected it. He had pushed the conversation he had with Leonard about teaching at the Academy to the back of his head and went on with his days. And Leonard, God bless the man, never pushed or slyly brought it up. Jim said he’d think about it, and he will, eventually. Leonard knew to take Jim’s words for it. Now, almost three weeks after the conversation happened, Jim opened their closet and saw the answer.

His eyes caught the command gold Starfleet shirt hanging on the side.

He had forgotten that he hung his, and Leonard’s uniform shirts, instead of folding them and putting them away in a drawer where they’d remain hidden. Jim wanted to reach out and run his hand over the fabric, over the silver Starfleet emblem pinned to the Captain’s uniform, but his thoughts were cut short by Leonard’s approaching footsteps behind him.

“You okay?”

Jim recovered quickly, giving his husband a nod.

Leonard sighed, standing behind Jim and wrapped his arms around his waist, drawing him into his broad chest.

Jim went along with it, leaning backwards into Leonard, his eyes still on the yellow shirt.

“You miss it,” Leonard said, more of a statement than a question.

Jim shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Even if we do end up at the Academy, I’ll never wear it again.”

Leonard sighed, brushing his lips tenderly over the exposed skin of Jim’s neck.

“But you’re right, I do miss it but I’m not going back, and that’s final.” Jim felt Leonard nod against his shoulder. “Would be kind of beautiful though, come full circle. We started out at the Academy and we’ve been through so much and that would be nice, to finish there too.”

“Is that a yes?”

Jim hesitated.

Leonard unwrapped his arms from Jim’s body and turned the younger man around to face him and held his face in his hands. Jim had an impressive beard, one that couldn’t decide which color it was, torn between blond and light brown. Jim wanted to shave it but Leonard said he liked it, and proceeded to grow his own.

“You said it yourself, we’ve been through so much but we came out the other side, a little more bruised but we made it. We found each other again. I know you’re scared, hell, even I’m scared, but we can’t stay in this spot forever, we have to move forward. You find comfort here because it’s away from Starfleet and the Academy and all of that, I understand, but darlin’ we have to live our lives. I want so much for us, so much, and I just need you to take my hand and trust me.”

“I trust you,” Jim said with a small voice.

“I know you do,” Leonard gave him a small smile. “We’ll make it, I promise.”

Jim covered Leonard’s chest with his palms, biting down on his bottom lip. “You promised to tell me with the paperwork because you know I’m crap with those.”

Leonard replied by claiming Jim’s lips in a comforting kiss.

The sun shinned a little brighter outside.

They called Pike and told him the news two days later, and the Admiral was over the clouds and had ensured that both men would find a position waiting for them at the Academy. The beginning of the semester was near, so they had decided to sit that one out and start teaching the following semester. They were back and forth between Iowa and San Francisco for a couple of weeks before settling down in a new, bigger Starfleet issued housing two months later. Starfleet knew Jim and Leonard weren’t going back to the Enterprise but they made sure their apartment was near the crew’s living area so they’d be seeing each other when the crew was on shore leave, a meaningful gesture and a nod of respect. The Enterprise was currently out on a short mission but would return in three week’s time.

Jim and Leonard were at the bay when the crew arrived.

Jim, Leonard, Spock and Scotty were taking a stroll through campus, enjoying the fresh air and reminiscing at the time when they were wearing the cadet red uniforms.

“Captain Spock!” A voice rang from behind the men, bringing them all to a stop.

They turned to face the source of the voice and saw Mali jogging towards them, holding a couple of books against her side.

Leonard immediately remembered the girl.

“Mali, I can see you are enjoying yourself here at the Academy,” Spock said with as much of a smile as he could muster.

“I am very much. Thank you for everything you did, Captain,” she then turned to face Leonard. “It’s good to see you, Dr. McCoy.”

“If I remember correctly, we should be the ones thanking you, kid,” Leonard smiled, and gave her a hug. “Mali, this is Jim Kirk, Jim, this is Mali, she saved my life,” he introduced.

“I’ve heard so much about you,” Mali said to Jim with wonder in her voice. “Not just from the Enterprise crew but around the Academy, too. You’re kind of a big deal.”

“Don’t feed his ego,” Leonard pleaded.

“Am I now?” Jim chuckled, ignoring Leonard’s statement. “Well, I heard a lot about you too, and there aren’t enough words to express how thankful and grateful I am for everything you did for Bones. I have him back because of you, so thank you,” Jim said with soft eyes and it was his turn to hug the girl.

Mali clearly wasn’t expecting that gesture of affection but she returned the embrace.

“I’m glad Dr. McCoy is in good health, I did only what I had to do.”

“Listen, we’re gonna be here from now on and if you ever need anything, do let us know, don’t hesitate, okay? And if you don’t need anything, drop by every now and then, it would be nice to see you.”

Jim began teaching Advanced Tactical Training and Advanced Hand-to-Hand Combat while Leonard was teaching Medicine and the Emergency Medical Course and would occasionally take a few shifts at the hospital whenever he felt like it.

Leonard was treating cadets who had the same level of idiocy and eagerness that Jim had when he was a cadet, when Leonard would grab the medical kit he snuck out of the clinic from under his bed and nurse his battered face. They reminded him of his husband way too much. Seemed like Jim implanted on the entire damn Academy, because even though Leonard hated to admit it, Jim is a pretty big deal in Starfleet. He still huffed and puffed and cursed at the damn reckless bastards but found comfort in treating them, too. It felt familiar, it felt like home.

A few nights later, Jim and Leonard found themselves walking along the bay, hands linked together the stars glimmering above them. Jim didn’t hate them anymore because Leonard had defied them. Jim tugged on Leonard’s arm and pulled them along when he spotted something in the distance, wanting to make sure it was actually what he thought it was. And he was right.

“Jim, what—”

“I can’t believe it,” Jim breathed, letting go of Leonard’s hand and approached the parked shuttle. He traced his finger along the cool metal and patted it gently.

“Jim? Wanna tell me what’s going on?” Leonard shot an eyebrow up his forehead.

“This it is, Bones, this is the shuttle we met on,” Jim smiled. “I can’t believe it’s still here.”

Leonard joined him, inspecting the carrier and smiled himself, realizing that Jim was right. They had literally come full circle.

“I can’t believe you actually threw up on me,” Jim chuckled.

“I did warn you,” Leonard reminded Jim.

“And yet here I am. Ah, the things I do for love.”

Leonard covered Jim’s body and exhaled slowly. “You’re the best goddamn thing to ever happen to me.”

Jim closed his eyes and tipped backwards into Leonard’s arms. “I’m scared it’s all a dream.”

Leonard turned him around and scanned his warm face. “Open your eyes, Jim.”

Jim obeyed ever so slowly.

“This isn’t a dream, you’re here and I’m here, we’re here and I promise to always be here, darlin,” the sentence was punctuated with light feathery kisses.

Jim settled his head on Leonard’s shoulder and allowed Leonard to support his body, as the older man threw his arms tightly around him. He felt Leonard’s dominating hand move up and down his back, holding him, caressing him, cherishing him.

They stood there, holding each other, for what felt like years. They had gone through the unthinkable and came out the other side, stronger and wiser. After all, they did the impossible, they defied the stars. Nothing, not even death, could break a love as strong as theirs. Leonard and Jim suspected that you only get a love like that once in your entire lifetime, it turns out they both would still have it for many many more years to come.


End file.
